If you've ever been the new kid in school, you know it's hard to fit in. No matter how much you tried to blend in you were prone to unfortunate gaffes like raising your hand too often in class or sitting down at the cool kids' table before being invited. Your parents, thinking they knew what was most important, offered advice only about schoolwork. And so you timidly picked your way alone through the mine fields that lined your path to acceptance.
It's no different when you join a new company or team. You'll get lots of advice from managers and peers about what they say is most important (for example, the actual job), but let me guide you through the other most important work: fitting in.
You may think-since we're all mature professionals here-that your new colleagues will be open to your quirks. While they may eventually learn to tolerate your particular brand of uniqueness, if you make no attempt whatsoever to gain acceptance you'll pay for it with shunned suggestions, rebuked replies, and even outright avoidance. Acceptance is just as important in business as in middle school, so get your head around it.
To meld, you must mimic. To mimic, you must observe. To observe, you must not react to anything. When a new teammate bursts into the meeting room with what you think is an exciting announcement, don't hoot and holler until you see most others doing so. The fact that the big sale everyone's been talking about for months just closed may signal weeks of late nights for your new team. Hold your tongue and sit on your hands long enough to avoid premature fist-pumps.
And don't be fooled by thinking a blatant affront by a competitor or rival team should warrant at least one indignant rant. Your new colleagues may prefer to stew in silence, saving their off-color remarks for the water cooler or watering hole.
When it comes to displaying emotions, whether negative or positive, it's best to curb your enthusiasm. Calmly observe your new teammates and how they react to everyday stressors, outside events, and even big wins. Carefully check your assumptions. Talk through your edits to a document before committing them to red ink to be sure you're on the right track with the tone and tenor of your feedback.
Your silence will say more than your potentially awkward words ever could. Your new teammates will appreciate that you respect them enough to defer to them. Once they see your attempts to fit in, you'll get to see their real, unchecked reactions. That's when you'll know you're "in."
And then, you can rave on just like everyone else.
Franny Fried